Life According To Lex…Volume 7

Volume #7-What Not to Wear, Or Buy, Or Ride In, Or Be Associated With

Before I begin shedding insults, let me first be straight with you by admitting that yes, I do own a harness. And yes, it’s camouflage. But let me also admit that my harness is necessary and purposefully styled as I am known around dog sniff circles as “Lex, the Hyper Hypo” and within human circles as “Oh my God did that dog just get scared and crap himself.”

Now, some of my canine compadres apparently did not receive the Official Doggy Style Guide issued this year and many times get caught looking more ridiculous than a family wearing sequin gloves and sunglasses at a funeral.

Here’s what I’m barking about:

Dog Backpack

Please tell me this isn’t a dog backpack. How does that conversation go? “Honey, let’s take Ridiculo to the park. I can’t find his leash so I’m just going to strap him to my back.” Unbelievable.

Doggy Brut

Now come on, dog perfume, really? I’ve been known to roll around in my fair share of dog shitake in my day, but can you imagine that smell combined with the fresh aroma of Brut. I don’t even think that desperate Golden Digger down the road would come near me.

Fatal Attraction

When it comes to training and socialization videos, trust me, I’m in the market, but you can’t convince me that K-9 Cop here isn’t about to eat Fluffy whole if she makes another move. That cat has no idea that she’s unknowingly and mistakenly taken a role in Fatal Attraction.

Dog Shoes

Ol Tinker here has given the phrase “Wheww, my dogs are a barkin” a whole new meaning. No, actually their screaming “Are you kidding me, shoes?” Now, for some unthinkable reason that I would ever need shoes, note to self, find some that match. The combination of pink and liver is making me want to eat some grass.

Poo Collector

And finally, this may be the biggest waste of money out there. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that if this SUV were to go head-to-head with a Vespa, this little guy would probably be injured despite his Halloween-colored poo collector. I think these people need a car sticker that says “Lame-O On Board.”

Until next time…Hang em if you got em, but hopefully you don’t.

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