A.G. Out Loud! » life according to lex

Life According to Lex…Volume 10

Anne — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 06:36:56 +0000

Volume #10 – Let the Games Begin

While all of you were glued to your television on Friday night watching the opening ceremony of the Vancouver Olympic Games and wondering just why that darn fourth cauldron wouldn’t open, the lesser-known Canine Games were underway in nearby Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. We don’t get the press like your human games, but I’ll tell you, the competition is just as fierce. The four-legged athletes have arrived and here are the favorites.

The Germans
Draped in Deutschland-brand dog vests and collars, the mighty Germans arrived in Saskatoon with a cocky aura. The German team is comprised of the German Shepherd, Schnauzer, Dachshund, and the Rottweiler. The Germans can be cocky for good reasons. They are currently favored in Escaping Electric Fences, Hanging Out of Car Windows at High Speeds, Breaking Down Walls, Lederhosen Luge, and the Games-favorite Beer Drinking contest.

The Chinese
The defending champion Chinese team booked their flights to Nova Scotia for some reason and arrived late in Asian silks. The Chinese team is comprised of the Chinese Crested, Chow Chow, Pug, and the Shih Tzu. The Chinese team is currently favored in Economic Development, Escaping Being Eaten for Dinner, Downhill Dogsled, and Ugliest Dog.

The French
A crowd-favorite because of Canada’s French ties, the French team is comprised of the Bichon Frise, French Bulldog, French Poodle, and the Dogue de Bordeaux. While favored in Arts & Crafts, Least Dander, Playing with Small Children in the Snow, Successful Pooping in Snow Drifts, and Best Haircut, the French team is under investigation for country-fraud. It’s been found that two of their teammates are actually from Quebec.

The English
Accompanied by the Queen of England and blaring the Beatles’ Helter Skelter, the English team arrived donning Union Jack apparel. The English team is comprised of the Beagle, Bulldog, Yorkshire Terrier, and the King Charles Spaniel. The long-shot of the Games, the Brits are favored in Worst Dental Hygiene, Playfulness, Largest Consumption of Flavorless Food, and Longest Time without Peeing.

The Swiss
The obvious favorite of this year’s Canine Games, the Swiss team’s brute force and brawn is an intimidating presence. The Swiss team is comprised of the St. Bernard, Bernese Mountain Dog, Greater Swiss Mountain Dog, and the Schweizer Laufhund. We hear that daily laps in the Alps and chasing dairy cows out of streets has built their endurance. The Swiss are currently favored in Saving Injured Skiers, Neck-Barrel Carrying, Shedding, Telling Time, Leading-Role in a Movie, and Chocolate Eating.

The Pirates
At the last minute the Russian Federation had to pull out of the Games, allowing my mixed-breed friends and me to enter the games as “Team Pirate.” We get no respect from the pure-breed nationals, but our global genes bring a bit of international flare and diversity to the Games. We’ve also embraced our Pirate name by breaking into national kennels and stealing our competitors’ loonies and toonies and putting Icy Hot in their collars. You’ll recognize some of my teammates from my Volume Six post. Alongside of me are the Bull Shitz, Wookie Dog, and Weimarauhua. We left the Weiner-Pinscher home as he presented too much risk of disqualification for his unruly behavior. We are currently favored in Eskimo Scaring, Poutine Gas Passing, Longest Drool, and Barking at Mounties. Some have named us the “Jamaican Bobsled Team” of the Canine Games.

So the next time you fall asleep watching humans curling, flip the channel over to the 2010 Saskatchewan Canine Games. We promise that you will not be disappointed.

Until next time, hang em if you got em, but hopefully you don’t.

Life According to “Cousin” Lex…Volume 9

Anne — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 06:36:37 +0000

Volume #9- A Litter of One

As you have probably seen on the blog, we have a new family member. Coming out at a weight of a soaking wet chihuahua, William Donald Davidson has become the new leader of our pack. For me, this also means a few great things:

• Those random noises that smell can no longer solely be blamed on me.
• My repertoire of toys just expanded by a factor of 10.
• Technically, I am no longer the only last pick of the litter in the family!

Did you know that the name William is currently the 5th most common boy’s name in America? Further, Donald is number 15. Now, when it comes to creativity, I would give Aunt Anne and Uncle Donny a .034 out of 10, but in this case tradition trumps creativity.

So here’s my proposal to you Anne and Don. The next time, that belly of yours gets filled with another human creature, take the formula you used to name William Donald, but add a little twist. This time, start from the bottom of the common names list.

And boom… Nothing but totally sweet names for kids. Here’s what they would be and what I would predict they would look like.

Elden Buck

Benedict Andreas

Leif Hobert

Reuben Rey

Rolf Gaylord

Modesto Mose

Rayford Arden

Eusibio Sol

How can you pass up these names? Plus, think of the benefits. If your kid can get through high school alive, you’ll never worry about whether or not he can handle things for the rest of his life. You know, maybe I need to play the name game myself. I’ve never been given a middle name. Any ideas?

Until next time… Hang em if you got em, but hopefully you don’t.

Life According to Lex…Volume 8

Anne — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 06:36:14 +0000

Volume #8 – The Best Time of the Year

It’s that time of the year when humans and dogs alike catch the excitement that’s in the air, get caught up in a state of frenzy, prepare for the best and the worst of emotions, and schedule hours upon hours of time on the couch as this phenomenon sweeps the nation. No folks, I’m not talking about the swine flu, I’m referring to the glorious sport of football that graces its presence upon us each year about this time. We love it, it’s in our blood.

Many people don’t think dogs care about football but they’re absolutely wrong. While the hodgepodge of genes that make me up may transcend different canine groups, I like to consider myself apart of the “Herding Toys, Work to make Scents, Sportsdog Group.” Come to think of it ladies, most of your hubbies or boos probably fall into this category as well. Our similarities result in permanent indents in the couch and out-of-nowhere curse words (barks) on fall weekends. It doesn’t get any better.

But who I root for may surprise you. While it would seem obvious for me to root for the UCONN Huskies, Georgia Bulldogs, Albany Great Danes, University of Indianapolis Greyhounds, UMBC Retrievers, Southern Illinois Salukis, Pacific University Boxers, or the UW-Stephens Point Pointers, I’ve dug a little deeper to pick four college teams that I’ll be following this season.

Before I tell you who I’m rootin’ for though, let me first go on a bit of a rant. Can you believe that there are 39 schools in the NCAA and NCIA that have the bulldog as their mascot? Now tell me this, when was the last time you witnessed a bulldog doing anything that could be considered athletic? While many would classify licking oneself athletic, it doesn’t count, at least in these calculations. Also, what’s up with four NFL teams being named after felines (Lions, Bengals, Panthers, Jaguars), five after birds of a feather (Ravens, Cardinals, Eagles, Falcons, Seahawks), but no pooch-themed teams? And no, the Browns are not named after dogs – despite what my backyard looks like after a week without poop patrol.

Whew, sorry about that outburst. It’s like I’m a Congress Dog or something. Anyways, back to my teams:

Dortd College – Defenders – If you’ve never been to the NW Iowa haven of Sioux Center, you’re truly missing out on a slice of the good life. This fall, the mighty Defenders will defend their turf against such teams as Waldorf, Doane, and Hastings. Being in NW Iowa, the team will also be responsible for defending the city’s well-being from those crazy Dakotans who live nearby. Me, I’ll just stick to defending my backyard and my favorite bone and root from afar.

Arkansas Tech – Wonderboys – It has to be obvious why I dig the Wonderboys and ahem, my PetSmart Student of the Month certificate supports it. Tucked into the tri-county region of Pope, Yell, and Johnson counties (there’s a joke there somewhere) and only an hour away from Tilly (the town named after my mom), the Boy Wonders have a tough season against Incarnate Word (fact) and the Delta State Bollweevils. I’ve ordered my giant yellow Wonderboys paw.

Merideth College – Avenging Angels – Meredith College is an all-women’s school in Raleigh, North Carolina. I don’t care if they don’t have a football team, I’m rooting for them in whatever they do. The Avenging Angels – a perfect description of my personality. Can you believe that the Avenging Angel volleyball team takes on Peace College at the end of their season? You can’t make this stuff up. Strap some wings on me, put some Shaggy on the speaker system, and I’ll make the Capital One Mascot Challenge in two years guaranteed.

Rhode Island School of Design – Nads – Probably one of the most ridiculous schools I’ve come across. Get this, RISD actually has two mascots – the Nads (Hockey) and the Balls (Basketball). Don’t believe me? All I have to say is Google “RISD Mascot.” Whoa….Despite not having a varsity football team, I’ll be rooting for their club team. Unfortunately, I tried out for the team but was cut (or should I say snipped) because I didn’t meet all requirements. Thanks mom and dad.

So there you have it my friends, this fall will consist of sleeping, eating, football, and probably an extra 5 pounds from all the nacho cheese dip I plan on sneaking from my dad.

Until next time, hang em if you got em, but hopefully you don’t.

Life According To Lex…Volume 7

Anne — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 06:39:39 +0000

Volume #7-What Not to Wear, Or Buy, Or Ride In, Or Be Associated With

Before I begin shedding insults, let me first be straight with you by admitting that yes, I do own a harness. And yes, it’s camouflage. But let me also admit that my harness is necessary and purposefully styled as I am known around dog sniff circles as “Lex, the Hyper Hypo” and within human circles as “Oh my God did that dog just get scared and crap himself.”

Now, some of my canine compadres apparently did not receive the Official Doggy Style Guide issued this year and many times get caught looking more ridiculous than a family wearing sequin gloves and sunglasses at a funeral.

Here’s what I’m barking about:

Please tell me this isn’t a dog backpack. How does that conversation go? “Honey, let’s take Ridiculo to the park. I can’t find his leash so I’m just going to strap him to my back.” Unbelievable.

Now come on, dog perfume, really? I’ve been known to roll around in my fair share of dog shitake in my day, but can you imagine that smell combined with the fresh aroma of Brut. I don’t even think that desperate Golden Digger down the road would come near me.

When it comes to training and socialization videos, trust me, I’m in the market, but you can’t convince me that K-9 Cop here isn’t about to eat Fluffy whole if she makes another move. That cat has no idea that she’s unknowingly and mistakenly taken a role in Fatal Attraction.

Ol Tinker here has given the phrase “Wheww, my dogs are a barkin” a whole new meaning. No, actually their screaming “Are you kidding me, shoes?” Now, for some unthinkable reason that I would ever need shoes, note to self, find some that match. The combination of pink and liver is making me want to eat some grass.

And finally, this may be the biggest waste of money out there. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that if this SUV were to go head-to-head with a Vespa, this little guy would probably be injured despite his Halloween-colored poo collector. I think these people need a car sticker that says “Lame-O On Board.”

Until next time…Hang em if you got em, but hopefully you don’t.

Life According To Lex…Volume 6

Anne — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 08:38:25 +0000

Volume #6-The Future of Mixed-Breeds

Da na na na na…Whippet, whippet Lex Good…

Oh man, we’re gonna have some fun this time people. It’s been awhile since my last post, but I do have an excuse. I was put on PUPRO (short for Puppy Probation) for about 3 weeks, after I worked one up and drooled all over my dad’s laptop. (You may have seen the video last week) Normal dogs get put on PUPRO for such things as digging, barking, biting…. me.. drooling and passing gas.

Anyways, I’ve been thinking lately about the trendiness and popularity of certain breeds. You know what I’m talking about, the Puggle, Goldendoodle, and the Malti-Poo have become more popular than tight-rolled jeans in the 80s. Apparently the poodle has become the flour of all doggy ingredients, but I’m making a few bold predictions here today.

The future of mix breeds is in front of you and the following four dogs will be taking over dog parks any day now.

The Wiener-pinscher

You always have to have your head on a swivel with these guys. The oh so condescending mix of the Dachshund and the Doberman Pinscher are sneaky little boogers and will sneak attack you out of nowhere, sending you to your knees. Nonetheless, the Weiner-pinscher has become popular amongst old men with bad bladders, young boys, and single men.

The Bull-Shitz

While cute, this over-the-top mix between the Bulldog and the Shih Tzu will have you shaking your head in disbelief over their extreme fish stories and odd odor. Always the first dog to provide advice and self-acclaimed expertise, I personally believe they’re full of it. Despite these odd characteristics, the Bull-Shitz is growing in popularity amongst politicians, cattle farmers, and people with the nickname “That Guy.”

The Wookie Dog

You’ve heard it here first; the Pug-Sheepdog mix is the wave of the future. Look at this thing, what great physique and style. An odd combination of profuse shedding and snorting makes them good for… well, not much, but they sure will scare the feces out of the mailman. The Wookie Dog is becoming popular amongst Star Wars fans, and that is really about it. I stay committed to my prediction.

Weimaruahua

An easy to manage diet of sauerkraut and chimichangas make the Weimaruahua an obvious choice for emerging mixed-breed of the future. So sleek, but oh so feisty at the same time. Cousin Zoey better keep her eye out for a stunning Weim in the neighborhood as they will be expected to mate by 2011. The Weimaruahuas are becoming popular amongst misfits, yuppies, and German hippies.

So there you have it, the emerging trends in dog mixed-breeds. You may be laughing at my predictions, but like a Bull-Shitz once told me, “you’ll see, I know what I’m talking about.”

Until next time…Hang em if you got em, but hopefully you don’t.

Life According to Lex… Volume 5

Anne — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 10:38:33 +0000

Volume #5- Haikus By Lex

The Vet

Not feeling so well
Doc has a thermometer
Oh wow, that’s real cold

The Mailman

A quarter past three
Where is the guy who wears blue?
There he is… bark, bark

Outside

Please let me outside
I really need to go pee
Damn, just stepped in poo

Aunt AG’s Belly is Getting Big (i.e. She’s Preggers!)

Did Anne eat Leroy?
She needs some Science Diet
Leroy, where are you?

Doggy Day Care

Hi, what is your name?
You are hyperactive too?
Sweet, let’s play all day

Real deep, huh? Until next time, hang em if ya got em, but hopefully you don’t!

Life According to Lex…Volume 4

Anne — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 19:08:39 +0000

Volume #4 – Music I Dig, and Dig To

So there I was, at the Howl at the Moon the other night, practicing my Slumdog Millionaire dance and drinking Flying Dog, when I thought to myself how much fun it would be to share my most and least favorite songs with the readers of AG Out Loud.

You know, ever since the Baja Men ruined the reputation of all dogs with their pathetic “Who Let the Dogs Out” anthem, I’ve been on a mission to support and promote my favorite dog-related artists. So turn up your speakers and enjoy the following tunes. By the way, my Baha Men cassette is buried in the backyard, right next to every album released by The Breeders.

Some of my all-time favorites include:

Dogs at War – Pink Floyd

Frisbee – Super Furry Animals

Black Dog – Led Zepplin

Hound Dog – Elvis

Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog – Three Dog Night

The Ark – Dr. Dog

Drop It Like Its Hot – Snoop Dogg

Thuggish Ruggish Bone – Bone

Slobberbone – Lazy Guy

Drool at You – The Presidents of the United States of America

Bark at the Moon – Ozzy Osborne

People are Strange – The Doors

Ratatat – Lex

Born to Run – Bruce Springsteen

A Day in the Life – The Beatles

Gimme Shelter – The Rolling Stones

Born to Be Wild – Stepenwolf

Got My Mojo Working – Muddy Waters

I Wanna Be Your Dog – Iggy Pop & The Stooges

Jai Ho – Slumdog Millionaire Soundtrack

Some of my all-time least favorites include:

Night of Joy – The Breeders

Black Cat – Janet Jackson

Cat Scratch Fever – The Nuge

Cats in the Cradle – Harry Chaplin

The Meow Mix Theme Song

You Found Me – The Fray

Don’t Cha – Pussycat Dolls

Empty Dish – Timothy Martin

Smells Like Teen Spirit – Nirvana

You Can’t Always Get What You Want – The Rolling Stones

Won’t Get Fooled Again – The Who

I Want to be Sedated – The Ramones

The Sounds of Silence – Simon and Garfunkel

Should I Stay or Should I Go – The Clash

Paranoid – Kanye West

Tired of Being Alone – Al Green

Rain – The Beatles

Until next time, hang em if you got em, but hopefully you don’t.

Life According to Lex…Volume 3

Anne — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 13:18:13 +0000

Volume #3-Lex’s Take on Love

Ohhhhh….Looking for love in all the wrong places
Looking for love in too many faces…

Oh hi people. It’s February and that can only mean one thing – It’s that time of year, when dog parks get a little too friendly, all my canine friends are freshly groomed, and vets are preparing themselves for the influx of soon-to-be-scheduled spay and neuter appointments. Yes, my friends I speak from experience and I’m out to prove that while I may be less of man this year, romance is still a piece of my repetoire.

You see, my gal Zoe and I were whispering sweet nothings to each other the other night, and we got to talking about our take on love. It’s funny how we dogs and you humans have similarities when it comes to expressing our love to each other. Here’s what we came up with:

Sniffing Butts Proves Love – You know how you always see us dogs making U-turns when we’re around each other, trying to get a good whiff of each others petutties? Well let me break something to you, that is us expressing our love. If your derriere smells like anything but apple bitter spray, you’re generally cool. In a similar manner, I know that my mom and dad are in love because they don’t hold back in front of each other. Just ate four bowls of chili, let it flow. Leaving the bathroom door open, why not? But one time, my parents had friends over and one couple had just started dating. I caught ______ (won’t mention names) passing gas near my water dish when his gal was across the room. My stellar scent picked it up, but I didn’t tell her.

Biting Necks is a Sign of Affection- When my girlfriend Zoe is around, you can generally find each other wrestling around biting each other’s neck. While some may say it’s unhealthy, they’ve never had another dog leave a week’s worth of saliva dripping from his collar. So refreshing. In a similar fashion, every time I see one of those little magical pill commercials, it seems like they are doing the same thing, minus the collar and plus a bathtub or tire swing. Therefore, my logical doggy reasoning tells me that you all either bite necks to show affection or it’s a nasty side effect of sitting naked in a bathtub on a hill.

Fetching Means Rewards- Some say that a friendly game of fetch shows love between dog and owner. Do you honestly believe that we dogs show our love by running to fetch a stick over and over and over? Those sticks taste nasty and odds are I’m going to step in a pile of yesterday’s Iams en route. I do it for the rewards. T-words… (Yes, I know what that means too) I’ve noticed a similar behavior between my parents. I don’t think they fetch the milk, a beer, the newspaper, or the laundry because they love each other. They do it for the treats! I see you smiling. I know how it works and normally I have a front row seat.

So happy Valentine’s Day to all my friends both canine and human.

Until next time… Hang em if you got em, but hopefully you don’t.

Life According to Lex…Volume 2

Anne — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 00:18:21 +0000

Volume #2- Lex’s New Years Resolutions

Happy 2009 people! The year of the Ox is upon us and it’s gonna be a great one. To my dog friends, I wish you a happy 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, and 2015 – May you become 7 times wiser than your human companions this year. Me, I’m setting the bar high. After being inspired by Beyonce’s Verizon commercial, I’ve set some resolutions that will “letme letme upgrade me.” So in no particular order of importance, I present to you my 2009 New Years Resolutions.

Figure Out “Who’s Here?”

Why is everyone always asking me “Who’s Here?” Every time the question is presented, I provide a dumb look, run to the window, jump up, and look around for strangers. I’m starting to think that my parents use it as a trick to stop me from harassing them. Either way, I’m still waiting for the day that someone is actually outside so I can bark at them and then run away once they come inside. In the meantime, I’ll continue to use it as my time to pass gas. Who’s the trick on now?

Quit Harassing the Kids at the Bus Stop

Before you ask “Well, why don’t you just stay away from the bus stop?” let me clarify something. The bus stop is literally in my front yard (Who buys a house with a stop sign in the front yard?) and my picture window gives me open access to play watch dog. Plus, those punk kids look at me funny. Just because I don’t have a High School Musical book bag, doesn’t mean they’re better than I am. I bet they don’t have a large ball on a rope. With that being said, I will start being nice. When little Billy plays his clarinet, I will smile and pant heavily. When little Susie messes with my parents trash on trash day, I will turn my head and pretend I didn’t see it.

No More Ruining Bedspreads

I’ve been a resident here for about a year and a half now, and I’ve ruined three bedspreads. My take on what a bed is good for – My dad vs. me – mono e mono – no holds bar – royal rumble. If I could put up bars around the bed for a steel cage death match I would. I’ve been able to perfect my two signature moves, “The Sleeping Crotch Jump” and “The Bedspread Barage.” My parents recently had to add a Bed, Bath & Beyond line item to their budget, so I now know that I must take my innate wrestling abilities elsewhere.

Become Friends with Cousin LeRoy

LeRoy, you know you’re my Amigo, my Padre, my Little Challupa. I just want to play with you, but it’s cool, you don’t want to play with me. Maybe I’m a little too rough, maybe I need to calm down a bit, maybe I just smell and you can’t stand my scent. Whatever it is, we should have Zoey sit us down and have us complete some compatibility tests and get over this. Maybe Dr. Phil, I don’t know? I’m a lover, not a fighter. Comprende?

Convince My Mom that I Need an Adopted Brother

And the tough one…… What do I have to do to show my mom that I need a canine companion? Eat more pillows? Harass them non-stop? Print off pictures of possible siblings and place them in strategic locations? Dad and I were secretly looking at www.petfinder.com the other night (mom was asleep of course) and we came across these guys.

Montana – Boxer Mix

Yo, what up Montana. Are you foster parents 49ers fans or do you just like to stare at the Big Sky. Either way, I’d be a great brother. Your ears are pretty sweet, and that smile is priceless. It looks like you’ve been keeping up on your dental hygiene as well. Nice!

Petey-Bulldog/Boxer Mix

Petey – If I had a shirt to take off, twist it around my head , and spin it like a helicopter, I would. You look like a pretty cool dude and sweet eye patch by the way. Bulldogs get a bad rap, but we could prove your awesomeness to others.

Claus – Boxer/Rhodesian Ridgeback

Claus, are you trying to steal my look, because you look just like me dude. We could be like twins and wear the same collar. Maybe not, that might be lame, but we’d think of something cool to show off the fact that we look the same. Parent trap stuff.

Logan- Black Lab/Shar Pei

Logan, if it’s me that you’re looking at, I see you my friend. The drool on your ear tells me that you like wrestle. Me too!! We could take turns playing good cop/bad cop with mom and dad. That way one of us always looks like an angel.

Ethan Bleu – Black Lab/Boxer Mix

Ethan Bleu, while I’m still trying to figure out what’s around your neck and the reason for your odd name, I like your style. It says that you’re a good boy. Maybe I need a good role model around the house like you.

So there they are, my resolutions for the upcoming year. Wish me luck, I’ll need it.

Until next time….. Hang em if you got em, but hopefully you don’t!

Lex

Life According to Lex…Volume 1

Anne — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 05:38:14 +0000

Volume #1 – Could I Be a Rhodesian Boxador?

What’s up Auntie AG? I see that you started one of them dog blogs. That’s cool. I have a proposal for you. My owners say that in these tough economic times, I need to be more productive with my time at home. Apparently sleeping, eating pillows, drooling, and licking myself won’t suffice. Sooooo, I thought that maybe I could utilize your blog to answer some of the questions that weigh on my mind every day as I stare out the window waiting for either my owners to come home or Lucy, that fine neighbor Doberman to walk by.

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Lex, AG’s nephew and proud cousin of my movie star cousins, Zoey and LeRoy. (That was them in Beverly Hills Chihuahua wasn’t it?) I live in the Queen City of Cincinnati, Ohio where the chili is sweet and so are the bitches. I am a self-proclaimed schoolyard Frisbee champion but have a tough time supporting the local feline friendly sports teams (Bengals, Bearcats). My allegiance is with the Reds because that’s the color of my Iams bag.

So I was wondering the other day why everyone asks my owners what kind of dog I am? What kind of crap is that? They might as well walk by and ask them where my testicles went as well. I am fed up and want to know my roots. My parents were told that I am Boxer/Lab mix when they rescued me through Petfinder.com, but I’m not so sure. So I went to the local bookstore to do some research. Here’s what I found:

Boxer

Characteristics of Boxers – German (Ich spreche ein bißchen Deutsch), stocky (please), medium-sized (sure), short-haired (yup), strong jaws (word), weigh between 50 and 75 pounds (right in the middle), fawn or brindle in color (don’t remember those colors from the box of crayons I ate yesterday), distrustful to strangers (to a T), brave and determined when aroused (you know it), headstrong (you speak to your momma like that?).

Labrador Retriever

Characteristics of Labradors – Most popular breed (no wonder some jerk wanted to make my parents like each other), affable (ummm..don’t own a dictionary), gentle (psych), intelligent (double psych), energetic (wanna fight?), good natured (debatable), working dog (is eating dryer sheets work?) good with little kids (ok… I’m definitely not one of these)… next…

And then I came across this:

Rhondesian Ridgeback

Characteristics of Rhodesian Ridgebacks – A dog breed indigenous to Southern Africa. Its European forebears can be traced to the early pioneers of the Cape Colony of southern Africa, who crossed their dogs with the semi-domesticated, ridged hunting dogs of the Khoisan people. In the earlier parts of its history, the Rhodesian Ridgeback has also been known as Van Rooyen’s Lion Dogs, the African Lion Hound or African Lion Dog—Simba Inja in Ndebele, Shumba Imbwa in Shona—because of their ability to harass a lion and keep it at bay while awaiting their master to make the kill. (Whoooaaahh…this is so me) Muscular (totally), light wheaten to red wheaten coat (umm.. yeah), glossy appearance (I shine), aloof to strangers (I just got scared), a penchant for mischief (haaahaaa).

But where is that cool stripe down my back? I guess it does come out when I’m barking at someone. I’ll keep reading. Quote: “The only disqualification in the AKC standard for this breed is “ridgelessness.” (Shoot, that statement may be about as worthless as the BCS)

So after becoming educated and spending 35 bones on this book full of over-privileged pure breeds, I’ve determined that I am 75% Rhodesian Ridgeback and 25% boxer. What do you and your readers think?

Until next time….hang em if you got em, but hopefully you don’t!

Lex